The withering of expectations, the disappointments in wants, and the harsh times of growth

I taught myself how to grow. Without any love and there was poison in rain. I taught myself how to grow. Now I'm crooked on the outside, and the inside's broke. Can you guess what lyric, song, album, and artist it comes from? Expectations and wants we all have them don't we? But what if if our expectations come up short, or our wants fail? What if now is the time for growth but we are in too much pain to grow? That's how the last week has been for me. I had to confront a good friend of mine and a family member. I usually avoid confrontations and try to accommodate, compromise, and please everyone to try to keep the peace and make everyone happy. I did all of this to suppress my emotions since most of the time I didn't know what to do with my emotions or how to deal with my emotions. I never really gave myself permission to have and to express these emotions. I use to think that I had low expectations and wants of people but I was wrong. I realize now that I had wants and expectations that I foolishly assumed would be met by certain friends or family members. I thought that if I treated them differently and lead by example and through my actions, that they would treat me by how I treated them. I thought that since I was changing and at a place of growth in my life. They would see and embrace this change and growth in me with admiration and open arms. I realize that my expectations and wants weren't very genuine and not very fair. My wants and expectations were a form of control. I wanted and expected them to be a certain way with me so that I can feel better about myself and avoid confrontation and expressing any emotions. I've been wrong on this view for a very long time. I can't control or change anyone no matter where my heart is coming from or how good my intentions are. I can't control or change anyone whether I'm at a place of growth and change as a person and want them to embrace and follow my example. Because maybe they're set in their ways and may not be in a place of growth in their own lives at this time in their lives. I realize that if I'm going to have healthy relationships I need to be at peace with my feelings and emotions and give myself permission to have and express them in a healthy way. I also realize I need to confront my fear of confrontation and learn to have healthy confrontation without fear of intimidation, consequences, threats, or retaliation. I also realize I need to stop casting my pearls before swines and being so quick to please others at my own expense. I am competent, confident, and capable. This week was a harsh time to grow but a perfect time to reflect and to take a courageous step forward. Lord thank you for your steady hand in my life, the grace to take a step forward, the wisdom in my mistakes, and the courage to grow. Expectations will wither, wants will disappoint, but growth will get us to what we need in despite of  the pain or our weakened will.